Thursday, June 30, 2011

So They Get a Motel Room...

Bored this evening, awaiting the new seasons of Futurama and Ugly Americans to start; happened to browse across some chan boards.

You see a lot of video game posts in such places. Especially hypotheticals. "The protagonist from the last video game you played is now the MC of the last anime you watched, what changes?" et cetera.

Tonight's pointless post with four hundred replies? "The protagonists from the last two games you played are now having sex with each other."

...This is too stupid for me not to keep reading.

And, oh! The answers given...

"Pokemon Trainer Red and Mega Man. Eh, I'm sure that's a fanfic somewhere."

"If I use the term protagonist loose enough for it to work with the last two games I played, that would mean Raynor (StarCraft 2) is having romantic affairs with Bismarck (Civ4), and that's simply historically inaccurate."

"Oh shi-

The Jedi Exile is getting gangbanged by everyone who isn't Galactus in MvC3.


"that's great, because that means the loli girl from recettear is getting plowed by heavy weapons guy, THANKS GUYS I LOVE HAVING NIGHTMARES"

"So, Geralt from The Witcher is having sex with Hawke from Dragon Age 2 right now... A male warrior Hawke.

I'm not as Ok with this as I thought I would be..."

Hold on, I'm giggling so hard I can't breathe at that last image...

"Female High Elf mage from Morrowind
Female Malkavian from VtM: Bloodlines"

Y'know, I always thought the female Malk in Bloodlines would be a tiger in the sack. Batshit insane tends to do that.

"John Shepard and John Shepard.

Oh my."

"Let's see, I'd say I'm the protagonist of EVE, so me, and... Master Chief... fuck..."

"Master Chief and Samus. Well, that went better than expected."

Huh, I think VGCats did that comic already...

"Blonde female Courier from New Vegas and female Commander Shepard from the second Mass Effect.

My courier is an unarmed specialist. I foresee fisting, and now I have a boner."

Well, I could have lived without that visual, thanks.

"Femshepard and Ladyhawke.

Not even shitting you."

You know, I remember Ladyhawke. It wasn't a bad movie, I don't care what the critics say... what's that? As in female Hawke of DA2? Oh. Yeah, that makes more sense, then.

"F.E.A.R 1, 2 and 3 put together.

So New Point Man and Paxton Fettel are raping Samuel Beckett while themselves getting fisted by Old Point Man.

Pretty much sums up my opinion of the game's quality."

What would my answer be?

Well, I was playing Sins of a Solar Empire last; which doesn't have a protagonist... so I suppose I'd have to kick back to the two games before that, which would be: my redhead female Horkew (wolf girl) character in Oblivion, and a male Nosferatu in Bloodlines (never have actually finished a playthrough as a sewer rat, so was trying again).

Now... I have watched some screwed up porn in my day -- and enacted some other screwed up stuff via video games and mods thereof... but I can say with pretty good certainty, that is one video I would not be buying a copy of. I... really don't want to see a Nosferatu naked, thanks. Like, at all. Ever. Even a female one.

So, what say you, moderately loyal readers? Care to play? Can you top my soul-scarring answer?

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go start a new Bloodlines game with a female Toreador character, answer the question again; and figure out a way to film that shit. I'll make a mint...


  1. So that means DoomGuy is gonna hafta take it from an Azurian Hermaphrodite.

    "My, what a BFG you have..."

  2. Okay, one: that is a horrid pun. So bad it's good. Also, I'm impressed that you used the acronym correctly (I think most people would have tacked on another "big"), but I've got to ask: what is an Azurian? I don't know that I've ever played a game starring them.

  3. The Azurians are a custom race for Morrowind created by Misty Moon. They come in three flavors: Male, Female and Futa. I'd provide a URL but apparently her site has been gone for quite some time now. Her texture overhaul can still be found on PES, but apparently the rest of her really good stuff is lost to us forever.

    Makes me glad that I went on those downloading binges when I did, and also glad that I'm a paranoid creator of file backups.

  4. You know, if you're trying to get me to pick up Morrowind, you could at least wear the pusher jacket...

  5. "My, what a BFG you have..."

    I was already laughing at Nos's comments through his post, so when I read that, I started laughing even harder, so much so I started to cry =D

    What makes it even funnier to me, is that I have to be using Doomguy as well, along with Cameron. I can see her using the same quote, and not refering to Doomguy's endowment :P

  6. "I was already laughing at Nos's comments through his post,"

    Yeah, I tell ya I coulda been a cast member for MST3K... except for the fact that my heckling tends to include often and gratuitous use of the word "fuck". I doubt the censors would have cared for that, but I say fuck the fucking fuckers if they can't fucking take a little fucking foul language!

    (Also, I think that last sentence was a new personal best... five uses. Not bad...)

  7. Haven't played for a bit but I think it was FO3 and New Vegas with essentially the same character.

    I wonder if that's considered selfcest or something.

    BTW, I just picked up morrowind dirt cheap, wonder if I'll get around to playing it :P

  8. ugh, in my case it would be Alice from Alice: Madness Returns and Mileena from the new Mortal Kombat. I sure hope Mileena doesn't engage in oral sex. -_-

  9. @Kirtai: How about we just call it "playing with yourself" and leave it at that ;)

  10. "I wonder if that's considered selfcest or something."

    It's not gay -- it's masturbation!

    ...Why yes, I have seen every episode of Robot Chicken ever... why do you ask?

    @Darksong: It's been awhile since I played a Mortal Kombat game, granted, but I remember Mileena being another on the list next to the aforementioned Nosferatu that I don't want to see pr0n of. Ever.

    The Rule 34 of Shiva was bad enough in its own right...

  11. @Druuler: Well, that's one way to describe it :)

    It could have been much worse though, I think I was playing Recettear and Blood before that, ewww >_<

  12. @Kirtai: You know, I have to say that Reccettear and that new Alice game were both mentioned quite a bit in the thread. They seem to be popular, of late.

    I keep meaning to buy Reccettear. The demo was just so disgustingly cute... but I keep putting it off. I think I have a mental block against buying things via Steam for some reason.

  13. I got mine from Gamersgate, no DRM and on special right now. I don't know if they sell to the USA though.

    I should play more than the first few mins though.

  14. I think here in the US Steam has exclusive distribution rights. I tried to buy it from the publisher's site right after it came out, and they were only selling via Steam at the time.

    Totally off topic for this post (though that may well be a good thing) but I really liked the demo for the game. The dungeon crawling not so much; but running the business was great. It's really well programmed -- I have some training to run an actual retail business, and I found that real techniques worked well in the game, too... right down to my preferred profit margins.

  15. Talk about game immersion levels, not to mention realism O.o

  16. Mind boggling cuteness combined with real world economics. I wonder if it's could teach people how not to fail at economics :)

  17. Nos - Mileena is a clone of the princess Kitana - aka knockout gorgeous - but she wears what looks like a coloured surgical mask over her nose and mouth to conceal a maw of large needle-sharp teeth.

  18. @Darksong:

    Really? I could've sworn one of her fatalities involved removing the mask and something quite monstrous taking place... but again: I haven't touched an MK title since three, I think it was.

  19. @Kirtai:

    Looking at the state of the world economy, I'd have to guess a solid 'no' on that one.

  20. @Druuler:

    Seriously. It even has the customers programmed to be willing to pay more or less based on how rare the item in question is (or isn't) on the local market.

    Some customers will come in looking for a specific item; and only be willing to pay so much -- or occasionally one will come in and want something rare, and be willing to pay 2x its normal value.

    It gets pretty intricate, and you have to learn to work the market to make payments on the loan your father took out before he died. Miss a payment, and it's not only game over, but bad things happen to the main character. I forget what those things were, exactly; but I do remember it being something to avoid.

    Though it's not one of those games, so the consequences won't be worthy of a hentai series.

  21. yeah, in the one Fatality she removes the mask to reveal that gaping maw and decapitates her opponent by gnawing thru their neck. icky!